Before we start the broadcast tonight, I just want to address my recent absence from the national conversation. As the hub around which the republic turns, I can understand why the machinery of this great nation ground to a halt last week when you were denied (motions to face) this. Now I know you felt the same way I do when I’m in a room with no mirrors.

And folks, there were some wild rumors about why I was gone. These are actual rumors from the actual Internets: some people said my show was cancelled by the Federal Communications Commission at the request of the Federal Election Commission because I was about to announce my presidential candidacy — not gonna happen; others said I was cancelled because I offended the Catholic Church when I compared to the Pope’s hat to a giant, yet stylish, prophylactic; still others said I was in rehab — always an attractive option if they have that for Diet Coke.

And one person — or whatever part of that original person has not been dermabrased off of Joan Rivers’s skull — accused me of taking time off to have plastic surgery. (Plays video of Joan Rivers saying ‘He had a nose job.’) Wrong, Joan — I did not have my eyes done. That is ridiculous. I had my ass done. The doctors cranked this thing so high and tight I can barely blink now. Anyway, rumors quelled: moving on.

Oh, one more thing: evidently, having 11 children makes you tough as nails.