[TW: Rape] Now because the majority of abortions are performed in the first trimester, if you’re going to get an ultrasound image, as the Virginia law requires, the law states, basically, that any woman seeking to have a legal procedure known as an abortion, whether she wants to or not, first lay back in a chair, spread her legs, (put her) feet in stirrups, and have an eight- to ten-inch wand put inside her — even if the woman in question is pregnant as the result of a rape.

I don’t really have a joke here. I just thought I’d tell you.

Before we start the broadcast tonight, I just want to address my recent absence from the national conversation. As the hub around which the republic turns, I can understand why the machinery of this great nation ground to a halt last week when you were denied (motions to face) this. Now I know you felt the same way I do when I’m in a room with no mirrors.

And folks, there were some wild rumors about why I was gone. These are actual rumors from the actual Internets: some people said my show was cancelled by the Federal Communications Commission at the request of the Federal Election Commission because I was about to announce my presidential candidacy — not gonna happen; others said I was cancelled because I offended the Catholic Church when I compared to the Pope’s hat to a giant, yet stylish, prophylactic; still others said I was in rehab — always an attractive option if they have that for Diet Coke.

And one person — or whatever part of that original person has not been dermabrased off of Joan Rivers’s skull — accused me of taking time off to have plastic surgery. (Plays video of Joan Rivers saying ‘He had a nose job.’) Wrong, Joan — I did not have my eyes done. That is ridiculous. I had my ass done. The doctors cranked this thing so high and tight I can barely blink now. Anyway, rumors quelled: moving on.

Oh, one more thing: evidently, having 11 children makes you tough as nails.