Stephen: That’s not the first time I’ve ever been in a sword fight. Not this long, though.
Parents, everywhere in America boys are soaking tampons in vodka and literally getting drunk off their asses. Everyone. Everyone! Wake up, America, everyone is doing this!
Are America’s hawks having empty nest syndrome? I know it’s hard when they grow up, but look on the bright side—we’ll always have Afghanistan.
— Jon Stewart on America’s wars.
I’m sorry I’m not angry. I know we have a deal—you watch and I scream. I’m really dropping the ball here. (Stephen’s Inauguration Breakdown)